A Piece Of My Mind

Andy was having a shitty night.  The docs blamed his insomnia on the meds, but that was only because they didn’t know he had quit taking them.  Somewhere around  3 AM, just when he had finally almost managed to coax himself to sleep, he awoke to a rhythmic slap slap slapping noise coming from the other side of the room.  He knew instantly what that sound was.  THAT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER   He sat up in bed, his face twisted in outrage.

“GODDAM, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE BEATING YOUR MEAT WITH ME IN THE ROOM YOU CREEPY LITTLE FAGGOT!”

“Hunh, what? AM NOT!  Was scratching my leg.”

“You DO NOT jack off when I am anywhere around. I swear to God, Eddie, what the fuck?  Are you a queer?”

“FUCK YOU I WASN’T JACKING OFF!”  Eddie lay in his bed fuming, his dick wilting in his hand.  He’d thought his older brother was asleep.

Both boys heard the old man come stomping down the hall in plenty of time to assume sleeping postures. Their bedroom door swung open.

“What the fuck, boys?”  Dad always spoke in a whisper for the first few minutes after you woke him up.

Both boys continued to feign sleep.  Andy was fairly realistic and might have pulled it off, but Ed’s  fake snores were ridiculous.  Mike Boren stood there for a few minutes teetering in his half awake state.   Fuck it.  He shut the door and went back to bed.  He heard them whispering before he could get his covers back arranged.   Goddamn it.  He lay back and prayed they wouldn’t make him get up again.

“I was NOT beating my meat, asshole!”   Eddie was at that silly age where you masturbate at least 5 times a day, yet would rather walk hot coals than be suspected of it.

Andy just laughed.   After a minute, he grabbed his cheek with his thumb and forefinger, and started slapping it in and out, making a loud, wet, repetitive squelching sound.

“I was NOT!”

Andy rolled over and tried to go to sleep.  His mind begin playing out scenarios for fucking with Eddie over this jacking off thing. Maybe he’d just call him ‘Jacks” for the next few days.  It would freak him out especially to be called Jacks in front of Mom.  Maybe he would continue with the indian theme he started with Dicks.   He rolled over, giggling loud enough to elicit another protest from across the room.

“STOP, ANDY, YOU FUCKER!”

Andy was tempted to give the boy his new name on the spot, but then he thought better of it and closed his eyes.  Today had been shitty, but tomorrow was shaping up to be a better day.

* * *

Eddie woke the next morning to the shrieking alarm clock and the sight of his brother, dressed to go downstairs, sitting on his bed smiling at him.  When Andy saw he was awake, he stood up, snapped off the alarm, and  stuck his finger in his face.

“YOU. Your Indian name is Jacks-Loudly!”  He laughed maniacally, spun on his heels, and ran out the door.

Eddie lay back on the bed and groaned.  He knew his brother — he would drive this shit into the ground. He’d have Billy and everyone else saying it. FUCK.  He forced himself back up and moving toward the bathroom.

He was putting on his shoes when he heard the jackass holler up the stairs.

“Hey JACKS.  FOOD!”

Ed scowled.  That motherfucker. He grabbed his knapsack and ran down the stairs.

* * *

Ed was a sensitive soul. By the end of third period, it was clear that everyone  knew his new name, the full Indian version.  Reeling in an absolute agony of embarassment, he stumbled through his classes.  Lunch was shit, of course, and he ate it with his usual group of loser friends.    

“Jack be nimble?”

“Fuck you, Arthur.”  He sat down and began to eat his cornbread.

Arthur grinned his blazing white smile and shook his head. “What is this Jacks Loudly shit, man? You white folks is so crazy.”   

“It’s shit my ass-licking cocksucker of a brother dreamed up.”  Ed looked like could cry.

“Everybody beats they meat, man, even the president!” Arthur chuckled through a spoon of peas.  “White folks.”   The other losers at the table were all laughing now.

“I WAS NOT BEATING MY MEAT, GODDAMMIT!”   He knew it was a mistake before the words were out of his mouth.

The whole cafeteria was staring now.   Ed made himself as small as possible, focused on his peas, and waited for the silence to end.

***

By 3:30 he was seething as he slid down the trail under the bridge.   Andy had beat him there, he could smell the weed burning and hear the Billgoat’s goofy laugh before he could see them.

more than a comrade

Have a little dignity, dude.  Enough of your pastey, weird, unnatural homoeroticism.

doan be hatin!

Obama is uncharactestically unsmooth as he defends his ridiculous friend, Henry Gates.   Reasonable people know better than to berate cops and refuse to comply with their instructions.  If it had been you or me, we’d have gotten our asses tazed talking that shit.

we each hit it two times

Rafsanjani’s sermon challenging the Ayatollah sets off the demonstrations again and ups the ante in this deadly game.

Quick, Robin, to the Idiotmobile!

She even knows who did it!  Maybe after she nails the killer, she can help us figure out WTF really happened to poor David Carradine.

don't gas me, bro!

Poor bastards, I hope these iranian protesters somehow succeed in advancing their cause, but I can’t imagine it happening. The one thing I’ve agreed with Obama about so far: the US of all countries should stay the hell out of it.

the golden sarcophagus

Where exactly were all these frantically emoting friends-of-Michael when he was on trial for molesting those little boys?  How many of those making speeches and pretending to be overcome with grief stood up for him in the press then, when it counted?  Oh, but they were fighting for camera time today, though.  Jermaine even donned the Sacred Glove and the Holy Sunglasses and sang “Michael’s favorite song” in a shameless and transparent attempt to audition for the role of Lead MJ Impersonator. 

One of the promoters said (with a straight face) “he is like America’s Princess Diana”.  LOL. That’s it exactly you self-serving, ghoulish asshole.

I swear, celebrities as a group may be more despicable even than politicians or lawyers.

rockin the magnolia

I can’t see how not serving out her term can help her politically.   MSNBC’s anonymous source says she’s out of politics for good while CNN’s tipster says that it is part of her grand scheme to win the whitehouse.    Her speech came off as hastily thrown together.  Like she needs to get the hell out of town.  I really hope thats not the case.

Myself, I’d like to see her in her own reality show.   You go, girl!

certified asshat

Well the great state of Minnesota decided to send Al Franken to the US Senate.  The mind boggles.

put me in, coach!

After all these years of being overshadowed by his more talented and weirder little brother, Jermaine may finally get his chance at the spotlight. Or maybe not, the J-bird can’t really sing or dance. Oh well, such is life.